Long-distance couples, fear no more. The answer to your cybersex/sexting/phone sex nightmares are here, and it’s called “LovePalz”. Marketed as the world’s first internet sex toy – a debatable statement – LovePalz comes in male and female parts so that customers can virtually have sex with one another, even when not in the same location. Think of a you-move-I-move type situation, where the silicone readjusts electronically as each partner adjusts.
If you can get past the idea of wires and motors just centimeters from your junk, you’re a credit card payment away from enjoying almost intimacy time. And at $189 a pop – that’s $378 for the pair – it seems like an expensive way to still not have sex.
For men it’s through Zeus, the father of god and men, and for women it’s Hera, the goddess of women and marriage. Let’s jump straight past the fact that Hera was Zeus’s wife/sister, and focus on the more pressing issue: LovePalz gave Zeus a vagina. That’s right, the portion for men, which simulates a vagina, is named Zeus, and vice versa. Not only does Hera now have a penis, but women are supposed to symbolically have heterosexual intercourse with her.
How hard could it have been to flip the names? Worst-case scenario: confused couples could ship one another their mixed up packages.
But the most disturbing part of all just may be the fact that they let a kindergartener write their web content – subject matter that’s clearly inappropriate for a 5 year old. “Actually, we are actually waiting for the best time to launch it so that we can shake the world in no time.” (No, this doesn’t make sense in context, either.) “Normally when you look at the sex toys, the size wouldn’t be that various … the material is very flexible, just like the real human part, it goes bigger when you are bigger. Besides, our airbag will help to tight it up.” If you can translate, let us know.
Whether you’re an adult who can read or one who understands common sense, you’ve got at least one trait up on LovePalz. Proceed with caution, folks. This seems too bad to be true.